The Lord of the Rings: The Sitcom
by f
Summary: Gandalf's back in town and ready to get rowdy. Short, funny little ditties by the famed author of the Losership of the Ring.
1. Episode 3018: Gandalf Comes to Town

All right, I know everyone loves a good rant, but I'm going straight into it. Some of my best work, this is. The old. The classic. The Lord of the Rings. The Sitcom. Here we go.

**Lord of the Rings:**

The Sitcom

_Episode 3,018: Gandalf comes to town_

Voice: Thank you for flying Arda Airlines. Please stay seated until the plane comes to a complete stop.

(Gandalf comes to the exit door)

Attendant: Thank you for flying Arda Air--

Gandalf: Shut up. I need to catch the connecting flight to Minas Tirith, can you move outta the way?

(Cut to: Gandalf walking out of terminal)

Aragorn: Gandalf! Long time no see! What's--

Gandalf: Shut up. I lost my baggage. At least they let me keep my staff. Did you bring your car?

Aragorn: Erm...Yeah...(thinking to self: 'He must be jet lagged, so cranky')

Gandalf: Where is it?

Aragorn: What?

Gandalf: Your car! Where is it?

Aragorn: Dude! Where's my car? Schnikes, I hate airport parking lots...

Gandalf: Don't expect me to take a mumakil taxi! Aragorn: (thinking: 'jet lag again')

Gandalf: So...Why's this city so damn white?

Aragorn: Erm...you're one to talk, Gandalf the WHITE.

_The term seemed to anger him._

Gandalf: Shut up, Aragorn son of AraTHORN, as in, a real thorn in the as--

(Arwen drives by in the car and honks)

Aragorn: Pardon? Forget it, let's get in the car. So...Is this your vacation? How many can you take? How come you never take abode somewhere?

Gandalf: Actually, this is one of my sick days, but be quiet--

(Eagle suddenly flies up and away singing "Gandalf's in trouble, Gandalf's in trouble")

Gandalf: Damn. I thought that was a statue. Manwe's not gonna be happy.

Arwen: Stay at our place!

Aragorn: (thinking to self: Let's hope that jet lag wears off)

THE END

OF THIS EPISODE ANYWAY


	2. Episode 3019: Gandalf Moves In

Another one! And so quick! I know, I'm amazing. Sorry I haven't been posting PotR lately; my computer's having a little trouble. So to satisfy those of you in the need, I give you more of these...

**The Lord of the Rings: **

The Sitcom

_Episode 3019: Gandalf Moves In_

Gandalf: (causing a chair to hover, then flinging it across the room at Aragorn) Shut up, will you, about my gray hair!

Aragorn: Hey, just keep your dyes out of MY bathroom, it's my damn country--

Gandalf: Quiet! (waves his staff, and a white line appears along the floor) See that? Don't cross that line!

Aragorn: It's the White City, idiot, how am I supposed to see it!

(Gandalf changes the line to black)

Arwen: Will you two quit your bickering? I'm trying to clean this stinkin' fortress, and no one lets me broom (with the little happy animals) in PEACE!

Gandalf: Does she EVER stop nagging?

Aragorn: Hey! Don't talk like that! That's my wife!

Gandalf: Really! YOUR WIFE! HOW DID YOU KNOW? WANT A STINKING MEDAL!

Aragorn: Why, you li'l-- (runs at the sword of Narsil)

Gandalf: Hey, little man, that's on MY side of the line!

Aragorn: So what? I'm Isildur's heir, I am! And that's my sword!

Gandalf: So clingy!

Aragorn: Are you saying I'm from Star Trek?

Gandalf: Erm...Yeah...Weirdo...(grabs one end of the sword while Aragorn grabs the handle)

(Aragorn falls back with a broken hilt)

Aragorn: Doofus! You broke it...AGAIN!

Gandalf: Ah, cheap metal anyway.

Aragorn: GRR...(runs at Gandalf)

Gandalf: I TOLD YOU...NO PASSING THE LINE! YOU...CANNOT...PASS! Wow, this feels like deja vu!

(Gandalf shoots Aragorn out of the Tower and into the Gate)

Aragorn: (standing up) Ow...Stupid sword. OW!

(Aragorn shoots twenty feet off as the Gates to Minas Tirith shoot open, and the Prince of Ithilien enters)

Faramir: My Lord! The Men of Harad have gone on strike saying that they find the terms 'swarthy' and 'slant-eyed with a red tongue' deragotory! My Lord...?

Aragorn: Ow...Somebody get me some athelas...

THE END


	3. Episode 3020:Legolas Gets a Haircut!

Sorry it took so long for an update; sometimes I just forget about things…

Then my family finds me speaking babble in a sewer a few towns away…

Anyway, that's happened quite often lately. Strange. But let the fic begin!

**The Lord of the Rings:**

The Sitcom

_Episode 3020: Legolas gets a haircut!_

(cut to: Legolas and Gimli sitting in the Minas Tirith Shopping Plaza Food Court)

Gimli: Wuss.

Legolas: Shut up! So, why did Gandalf make us come here?

Gimli: So we could give our concert. NFellowship, remember?

Legolas: Wait. I thought we were Fellowshipstreet Boys. And what about Frodo and Boromir? They're gone forever, ya know. We can't give a concert. We broke up. Like the Spice Girls. Where's my cell phone, I gotta call my agent--

Gimli: Wuss. You're just afraid the gals have passed over the "elves are hot" era. All the stuff about the "Dominion of Men" got you worried. Now shut up and eat your food.

Legolas: Ugh. I hate these things. Why'd Sam have to make a restaurant chain, anyway? I mean, "McGamgee's"? I'm complainin' to the chef—

Gollum: (coming out of kitchen for a break) Eat your damn taters, blondie. (muttering) They don't pay us enough, precious, they just don't pay us enough...

Gimli: Gollum? Aren't you dead?

Gollum: I'm computer generated, dimwit, they put me up to this. Making me cook..._taters_...

Legolas: What are..._taters_...?

Gollum: (getting ticked) PO-TA-TOES, precious!

Legolas: Don't call me precious. (sighs) Ah, well. I heard Gandalf's sporting a ponytail for the concert.

Gimli: Tell it to the tabloids. Now let's get to the barber, this beard's itchin' like anythin'!

Legolas: Maybe if you didn't drool on it--

-_ten minutes later_-

Legolas: (comes out) Hmm. Why does this seem...familiar?

Gimli: Your haircut? You mean, how you cut it short, dyed it black, and all that?

Legolas: Yeah. But I like your mohawk, Gimli.

Gimli: All the dwarf-chicks dig it.

Legolas: Dwarf-chicks...?

Gimli: Long story. Let's go.

THE END


	4. Episode 3021: The Tour!

Well, in honor of the fourth anniversary of Parody of the Rings (whoo! Four years since 9/19/02 and I still haven't finished this massive project), I have decided to give you all a gift in a number of postings in the coming days, mostly because I'm too lazy to update my website ( Go there! Now!) and I kind of can't.

Nonetheless, an old classic. Who would think stuff you wrote in middle school could still be so funny?

A testament to my genius, indeed.

**The Lord of the Rings:**

The Sitcom

_Episode 3021: The Tour_

Legolas: We're on the tour bus...Off to Edoras, first concert--

Gandalf: What is this? The Making of the Fellowship? Eh? Shut that camera off!

_-later_

Wormtongue: But that would take hundreds, thousands...

Saruman: _Tens_ of thousands...

Wormtongue: But no mosh pit exists like that in all of Middle-Earth!

Saruman: Don't you hear 'em roaring? Look out back!

Wormtongue: (gasps as camera lurches back from Orthanc and over army) Are you sure they should wave the spears around during the concert? People will be in that thing!

_-later-_

Gandalf: (sporting ponytail)And now, our first song...

(Fellowship files on stage and starts singing "Fellowship's back, All right" and "Bye bye bye (Boromir)")

Gandalf: And now...Smeagol! Singing...The Gollum Song!

Gollum: Are you ready to rock!

Orcs: ROOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRR!

Gollum: I'll take that as a yes. _Where once is fish...Now is gone..._

-_later again_-

Gandalf: And now...Four guys who complain that, since the release of FotR, have had a large number of annoying fans, typically teen gals...

(Enter Aragorn, Legolas, Frodo, and...Gimli)

Gandalf: And our final act, Tom "The Bomb" Bombadil!

Bombadil: YOYOYO! Yeaaaaah! Bring down--

Cops: (entering) You're coming with us! (slap cuffs on Bombadil)

Bombadil: Hey! (pushed against wall) I didn't do nothin'! I didn't do nothin'!

(cops haul away Bombadil)

Gandalf: Erm...Yeah. Sorry for that, folks...

Orcs: ROOOOOOAAAARRR!

(Gollum bounces around in the mosh pit)

Gandalf: Thank you everybody! Have a great night, goodbye!

-_one month later_-

Gandalf: That's it folks, tour's over, bus is going to Minas Tirith so we can all get to the airport...Last night was the concert at Cair Andros--

Legolas: What is this? The Breaking of the Fellowship? Turn that camera off!

THE END

_Next week: Gandalf won't leave!_


	5. Episode 3022: Gandalf Won't Leave!

Hmm, I can't seem to find the "Legolas Gets a Haircut" episode…strange. Well, this will suffice.

**Lord of the Rings:**

**The Sitcom**

_Episode 3,022: Gandalf won't leave!_

Aragorn: He won't leave.

Arwen: Damn!

Gandalf: (off-screen) I heard that!

Arwen: Well…

Aragorn: LEAVE ALREADY, DAMMIT!

Arwen: What he said. And why not, Gandalf?

Gandalf: (coming in room; blushes and paws ground w/foot) Aw, nothin', Miss…

Aragorn: (raises eyebrows) Hoo, boy…

Arwen: Gandalf…

Gandalf: (smiles) Yes, ma'am—

Arwen: Don't call me that.

Gandalf: Okay, Missus. Just tryin' to—

Aragorn: Hit on my wife? Eh! Arwen…Can you leave us alone?

(Arwen sighs and throws her arms in the air, then leaves)

(Gandalf watches her exit with intrest)

Gandalf: Man, she has some nice—

Aragorn: Yes, Gandalf, very subtle of you. Now, for the love of my manly stubbles, why'd you have to come back over the sea?

Gandalf: For some nice—

Aragorn: You're waiting for me to die, aren't you? Huh? Then you'll…Y'know! And just 'cuz I'm mortal…You can't do this to me!

Gandalf: Aw, quiet. By the way, you seen Éowyn lately?

Aragorn: She died. A while back.

Gandalf: Damn. She had some nice—

Aragorn: THAT'S IT! OUTTA MY HOUSE!

Gandalf: For the love of Varda—

Manwё: (steps in) Are you hitting on my wife?

THE END

UNTIL NEXT TIME

_Next week: Gandalf gets a black eye!_


End file.
